It sucks to be me!
by avpke
Summary: A yautja, named Kwei is looking for a job on Earth. Will he find the suitable one? Rated T just to be sure... My first fanfic!
1. Chapter 1

**Hy! I'm avpke. My first story, so don't be that harsh with me, please! ****This is about a yautja, searching for a job on Earth but I guess you have read the summery already. Anyway, let's get it started!!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Predator. I own what is rightly mine.**

**Chapter 1**

It was a sunny morning in Los Angeles. The people were all busy with whatever they were doing. All seemed to know, were they were going, only one being wandered aimlessly. Yes, you guessed right: it wasn't human. It was a yautja. But no one was afraid of him (it's a male), no one was screaming, you couldn't hear any death cries, flesh tearing or blood spilling. He just walked leisurely, glancing about him curiously. He was called Kwei. He stood about 7,5 feet tall, had light green skin with big, black spots here and there. His eyes were golden yellow.

Before I forget, that you don't know how he came here, I'll tell you:

He came from far, far away. His ship got into a meteor shower and crashed on Earth, near Los Angeles one year ago. The humans found him as he was unconscious. They brought him to the Los Angeles Secret Laboratory. They poked him everywhere possible and took blood samples. It took him a while to learn the human language and explain, he is not an animal. He knew, he couldn't go back anymore (his ship was like a broken plate, he couldn't communicate with his kind). So, he and the humans made an agreement. They will stop poking him, and he will stop trying to flee. After this he lived with them peacefully. Staying in his own flat in an apartment was much better than the laboratory. The humans still came to him, took blood, talked with him and then left. Kwei found it really entertaining. The humans already accepted him in their society.

Just for you to know: his capture at the laboratory lasted 11 months, 3 weeks and 5 days (I told you it took him a while to explain).

So, he walked on the street. Suddenly, the most unawaited thing happened: his stomach growled. And all the people around looked in his direction. He found himself going green (not red). Looking around, he saw a shop. A shop full of many sorts of food. He went closer. On the window, he could see some numbers next to the displayed things. He was here for 2 days now, and he had no idea of money. Staring at it for some time now, his brain started to smoke. He just couldn't figure out what it was. So, he did the only worthy thing a warrior would do. (No, he didn't use his self-destruct device because of such a tiny problem) He asked for help. Looking around again, his eyes caught a man with blue clothes and blue/black hat. He knew that much to know: this is a police officer. And they were friendly and always ready to help. Or so he was taught. He walked over to him, and his mission 1 began: What are those freakin' numbers there?

"Excuse me, police officer."

"Yes?...OMG!... Nevermind… Can I help you?"

"Oh, yes. - he pointed to the numbers- "What are those?"

"These are food on plates. You can eat them, you know…"

"No, no! I mean the numbers."

"The numbers?...Oh! These numbers! Well, you can't take the food free. You have to pay for them. The number displays how much the food costs. This is the world of money."

"…Money?"

"Yes, money."

"…What are those?"

"I don't have the whole day you dumbass! How can you ask such a stupid thing!?"

"Well, you were the only one around…"

The officer went red with anger.

"Money is money! You buy food and other things with it! Exchanging the peaces of money for something!!"

"Why didn't you say it earlier? Where do I get money?"

"Find a job."

"(OMG another stupid word) What's a job?"

"(sighs) Job is an activity to get money. Like being a cook at a restaurant or being a police officer, like me. I am here to catch some criminals. In exchange, I get money. You should try it."

"No, thank you."

"It's your problem…"

"Ok. And…"

"What now!?"

"Where do I get a job?"

"You go to the Industrial Retations!!"-then the police officer stormed away.

He just stood there. Thinking hard like no tomorrow.

"And…What's Industrial Retations?"

**I hope you liked it. I know it's short but I can't write more in one chapter. R&R please!!**

avpke


	2. Chapter 2

**Hy again!! I'm back!! I won't say more, on with the story!!**

**Disclaimer: See the previous chapter.**

**Chapter 2**

The next day was as good as the last. Kwei was making his way to the Industrial Retations. He found out what it is yesterday. An old lady gave him food after hearing his stomach growl for hours. She explained patiently what it is and where it is (maybe she was a police officer too).

After a long walk he found himself in the glorious world of the Industrial Retations. Looking at the kind lady at the secretary desk, he set for his mission 2: find a job, so you can buy food.

Then he sat down on the chair carefully. The secretary looked up at him and smiled.

"Good Morning, sir. How can I help you?"

"Yeah, good morning to you, too. I want a job."

"Well, what's your name, sir and what kind of job would it be?"

"I'm Kwei. And I don't know."

"Did you go to school, sir? You aren't from Earth, are you?"

"I went to school on the Homeworld. I learned how to fight. And yes, you can tell."

"Sooo… (typing on the computer)… I found nothing with fighting… The only job I can offer you is at the Los Angeles Bank. They are looking for a credit offerer. You just have to sit at the desk, just like I am, and answer the phone. Offering the customers the best credits."

"Ok. I'll do it! Just one more question."

"Yes?"

"What's a bank?"

After two more hours of explaining, he finally understood everything. The money, the bank, the credit, the economic system, the humans and himself. The boss there didn't need a meeting. Kwei can begin his work in the morning, at 7 o'clock.

_Next day_

At 7 o'clock he was sitting at his desk with a computer, phone and papers on it. They have already shown him what is what. After half an hour, he could begin with his mission 3: Do your job right or you're fired.

Long silence… Nothing happens… After 2 minutes he got bored and started to play 'flippers' on the computer. Then suddenly:

RING

"THE PHONE!!"- he screamed like a little girl, cheered around. His first call and he got excited. Finally, he picked up the phone.

"Good Morning! I'm Kwei. How can I help you?"

"Yes! I would like a cheese burger and fries, and hurry up!"

"Excuse me, sir, but I can't give you any. Only credit."

"What the fuck?... Is there the McDonalds?"

"No. It's the Los Angeles Bank."

"Then, sorry!"

The line went dead. Kwei stared at the phone for a while. Well, this was his first call, and it had to be a wrong? He put the phone down and it rang instantly. Picking it back up, he said his sablon.

"Good Morning! I'm Kwei. How can I help you?"

"Good morning. I'm Josh. I would like to take up credit."

"Ok. What for would that be?"

"What? I have to name it? It's none of your business!"

"But you have to name it. Without it I can't give you credit."

"Isn't that enough that I just want it?"

"No."

"Then I don't want it."

The line went dead again, he put it back. He stared at the phone, like it was his worst enemy. What was that for? What was that boy thinking?

5 minutes later the phone rang again.

"Good Morning! I'm Kwei. How can I help you?"

"Good morning! I would like to know, if there is a credit that interests me?"

"What?... I don't know."

"Damn! And you call yourself a smart thing, heh? Bastard!"

Kwei stared at the phone again. Then looked behind himself and then before himself. All were busy. No one shouted at their customers. Why come, that he got the difficult ones. He would never know.

RING

"(OMG) Good Morning! I'm Kwei. How can I help you?"

"Well, I'm George. I would like to take up some credit to buy something."

"And what do you want to buy? I have to know."

"Something big."

" What do you mean exactly?"

"Well, something bigger."

"Maybe a house?"

"No, not that big."

"Then what?!"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because I have to!"

" Ok. Well,… something big."

Kwei put the phone down. He was green all over of anger.

Half an hour went in silence. He calmed down. Until…

RING

"Good Morning! I'm Kwei. How can I help you?"

"Good morning! I'm Justin. I would like to know, how many times have I to pay back for 300.000 dollars."

"How much income do you have?"

"Well, 3000 dollars."

"And where do you work?" (typing on the computer)

"No, I am not the one, who wants to take it."

"Then who?"

"My friend."

"And where does he work?"

"My friend?"

"(OMG) Yes!"

"In Los Angeles."

"Could you please name it."

"Michael Johnson."

"I mean the workplace! It's name."

"Mine?"

"(sighs)No. Your friend's."

"He works in a Los Angeles firm."

"I understand, but the name. I want to know."

"Michael Johnson."

"ARG…!!"

He roared, slammed the phone down and punched the desk in half. Successfully destroying the computer. He stormed to the exit but his boss popped up out of nowhere in front of him.

"Not bad for your first day."

"Really?"

"Nope. You're fired."

**That's it my readers and friends. Please R&R! Until next time!**

avpke


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm back again!**** Guys, guess who visited my computer! Yeah, the VIRUS! Just to make it worse, afterwards my mainboard turned its back to me. My whole story disappeared and I had to rewrite it! Of course it was not enough. After I rewrote my story halfway, I found it on one of my CD-s. SO THE WHOLE WORK WAS FOR NOTHING! After complaining: the story. Don't forget: R&R!**

Disclaimer: I don't own Predator

Chapter 3

In the next day, Kwei found himself at the Industrial Retations again. The secretary looking for another job but found nothing. She couldn't believe, that this calm and nice beingwent on a rampage in the Los Angeles Bank. So, she offered him a job at a car insurance company. As an insurance agent AT THE PHONE. Why not? She spoke to the boss and offered him as an experienced agent. Kwei sighed. Maybe it will be much better than the last. He hoped, at least.

So, one hour later, he learned how to be an insurance agent. Tomorrow, he knew, they will send him to hell.

It's tomorrow (actually today…anyway) and Kwei sat in his new chair, at his new desk, phone and computer in this new building with new people. They were more serious, the boss even threatened him to crush his nuts, if he did something wrong. Yes, much better indeed.

He has to say the same sablon, but this time, it's insurance not credit. Very easy. Sitting straight, his fourth mission began: Make 'em take it.

RING

"(Wow! So soon?) Good Morning! I'm Kwei. How can I help you?"

"What?! You again?! Can't I be safe of you?!"

Kwei put the phone back down. Looking around, he sighed. Nobody heard it although it was really loud. His ears are ringing.

RING

"Good Morning! I'm Kwei. How can I help you?"

"Hy, I'm Jessica. You know, I don't use my car. Have I to pay the insurance anyway?"

"Yes. As long as it isn't removed from traffic or you don't sell it."

"Really?... Aren't you interested in a 23 years old Skoda?"

"No."

"Fuck you!"

The line went dead, as it did always. He started to worry now. Is this place really better than the last one?

RING

"Good Morning! I'm Kwei. How can I help you?"

"Yes, I am Brad, and I have a problem with the insurance."

"Ok. What're the car's bond numbers?"

"Just a moment. It's here in my hands. I bring it, just a moment…

The line went dead. But this time it was Kwei.

RING

"Good Morning! I'm Kwei. How can I help you?"

"I want to change my car's insurance."

"I need the car's registration numbers."

"I can tell you that, and the bond numbers too."

"Thank you. Then please the registration numbers."

"So, the bond numbers are…"

Kwei broke the line. He didn't want to have a stroke. He didn't have that much time for idiots.

_An hour later_

RING

"(sighs) Good Morning! I mean Afternoon! I mean…Anyway! I'm Kwei. How can I help you?"

"Hy, I'm Peter. Well, I got a letter from the company. Could you explain its contents, please?"

"Finally…"

"What?"

"Never mind! So, what does the letter say?"

"I don't know. I just threw it into the stove."

Kwei almost smashed the receiver down. It sounded as a 'BANG' anyways.

RING

"Good whatever! How can I help you?"

"(really scared) Ammmmmmm… Excuse me, you aren't a machine, right?"

"No."

"Finally! A human! I need help with my insurance."

"Well, what's the problem?... And I'm not a human. I'm yautja."

"(screaming)"

"A yautja is not a machine."

"Ok…"

After a while, Kwei put the phone down. Finally he could help someone. His face shone brightly of satisfaction and pride.

At 1 pm, he could go home with his nuts intact. His boss said he did really well. And morning, he has to go in at 6 am. But why, he didn't say.

Counting his first cash, he set his route to the shop to buy food. Finally.

Before he went to bed, he knew, he forgot something. Well, he will think about it tomorrow, right now he needed sleep. He was very tired.

--

It's morning; the sun shone brightly…WAIT!!

He jumped out of the bed and looked at the clock. It's already 8 o'clock. He had forgotten to switch on the alarm. He is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo late!

_At the company_

Coming in, he saw his boss sitting in his chair, legs crossed and with a nut-crusher in his hand. Kwei gulped and run out.

The boss looked at the exit with surprise, bringing a pack of nuts into the view from under the desk.

"Well, it seems like I have to eat them alone. I didn't know he hates nuts."

Then stood up and went into his office murmuring:

"He even came too late to the celebration for the 10.000.000th customer.

_At the Insurance Retations_

"What now?!... You want what?"

"Well, I can offer you only one job right now. But it's only for one occasion, really."

"Ok. What have I to do?"

" You said and displayed, that you learn very fast. And that is what you have to do. Study as much as you can. Everything about Australia. Then you go to the conference in the Los Angeles University. And you answer the questions what the people will ask. Do you understand?"

"Well…"

"I asked, do you understand?!"

"Yeah… But… What's Australia?"

"OMG!"

**Until next time!! R&R please!**

avpke


	4. Chapter 4

**Guess, Who's back! Here is the next chapter, enjoy!**

**Oh! I almost forgot… I had been in a hurry when I last updated, so I didn't have time to look at the reviews. And so, I do it now:**

**Taladarkiejj: Thanx! You'll see, you don't have to wait that long to read more!**

**Alucard 1024: Thanx!! I'm glad you like it that much!**

**Woodooqueen: Thanx that you pointed my errors out. (A secret: I learn English for two years now) + my computer sucks. Thanx again. I'm glad that you like it too!**

**Warning: I don't want to mock anyone with this chapter, I don't want to make jokes out of any countries. I just had to write it, it won't leave me alone! If I offend anyone, please PM me, and I'll replace it. It goes for the next chapter too. Thanx!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own 'em.**

**Chapter 4**

All the things went right the way they had to. Now, Kwei is sitting in the Los Angeles University conference room. Wearing tuxedos and a call-card, which says he is an Australia expert. At the really long table people were sitting. Various people. They came of different continents, countries and states. He had a helper or so. His name was Mike and he will say who will ask and make sure there is order in the room. This people knew nearly nothing about Australia, so he can answer them everything he wanted. They won't know he was lying. Well, he didn't study that much about Australia. He just got bored during it… And in the end he started to study the other countries and continents too.

Everybody introduced themselves; the conference and the mission 5 began: Answer 'em.

"Now, we can begin."- said his helper- "The first question comes from the USA."

A man stood up.

"Can I see koalas on the streets, too?"

"Well,... it depends how much you drank."

"Well, the next is Sweden."

Another man stood up.

"I would like to go the Sydney-Perth distance on foot. Could I follow the railway?"

"Well,... of course. It's _only_ 3000 miles. But bring a _little_ more water with you."

"Next is Albion!"

A woman stood up.

"Is it raining in Australia sometimes? I never saw it on tv. How do the plants survive?"

"(stupid question) Well,... we import them as grown plants and then sit back and watch silently, how they slowly die…"

"NEXT is again Sweden!"- Mike began to sweat.

"Is it dangerous to run, if it's raining?"

"(yeah, right) Is it really true, what people are saying about Swedes?"

"What?!"

"Drop it…"

"NEXT:USA!!"

"I would like to come to know about the Hippo-run customs."

"(what?!) Well,... you know, Africa is the continent below Europe, and is mostly triangular-shaped. And Australia, Oceania...Nevermind. Of course, the Hippo-runs are being held on every second Tuesday, on the Kings Cross. It's free for naturisms. Go nude!"

"NEXT!! ALBION!!"

"Can I bring a fork into the country?"

"What for?! Eat with your hands as they do!"

"OMG, NEXT! USA!"

"Could you please give me some information about the Wiener Childchor's next performance?"

"Well... Austria is that sympathic little land, there next to Germany, but nevermind. Of course, the Wiener Childchor is on every second Tuesday, after the Hippo-run on stage at the Kings Cross. It's free for naturisms. Go nude…"  
**  
**"France!"

A woman stood up.

"Are there any perfumes in Australia?"

"No. They don't smell…"

"NEXT LONDON!... I mean Great-Britain!"

A man stood up.

"Thank you, asshole!! …Anyway…Can I wear there high-healed shoes?"

"(stares blankly) You're a British politician, right?...And…"

"NNNEEEXXXTTT!! Ahmmmmmmmmmm…"

"I'm Spanish… Is Christmas a celebration in Australia, too?"

"...Only on Christmas…"

"GERMANY!!"

"Well, can I buy milk in Australia and can I eat meat every time in the year?"

"No… They are peaceful, vegetarian hunters. The milk is misbegotten!!"

"Washington…?"

"Yes. Ahmmmm… Sometime ago, in 1969, I met a girl at Kings Cross. I would like to get into contact with her. Can you help me?"

"Well,... of course! Look for her after the Hippo-run and the Wiener Childchor. Go nude!... I mean…no. You don't have to then."

"And the last is: France."

"Can I speak German there?"

"Oh, yes. But first you have to learn that language."

The conference ended soon afterwards. For him. He got the money he wanted, and even more. They said, he can have 3000 dollars more, if he goes away earlier than planned.

Climbing into the bed, he sighed. Morning, he has to go back to the Industrial Retations, AGAIN. Searching for a job, AGAIN. And hopefully not get fired, AGAIN.

**So? How was it? Please R&R!**

avpke


	5. Chapter 5

**I'm back again. Since nobody compleined about the last chapter, I update this too. But the warning stays. Oh, another warning: We are nearing the end (sobs)...**

**Kuragari1024: Here you have it!**

**Disclaimer: Same as always.**

**Chapter 5**

"I don't want to see any phones or computers anymore!"

"But you don't have to."

"You just said, I have to be an agent again."

"No! I mean yes, but this time it's different. You won't sit at a computer. The work is almost the same as the Australia expert thing. For one occasion. You said, you learn super fast. It's true, because I have seen it myself. You did well at the university!"

"You mean, you were there?"

"Yes. You know, my brother dragged me along. Anyway, you have 2 days to know everything about the European Union. The people will ask you questions and you answer them."

"Again?"

"Yes, again!"

"Don't you have…"

"No. It's really hard to find you anything. They say you are brutal and they heard about the bank incident"

"Ok… Just…"

"…You don't know what the European Union is."

"How did you know?"

"Just shut up and listen!"

He got the hint of it. After 2 days he was ready to answer the questions of... children?

He stood on a stage in Atlanta at a Primary School. This time he could pick the ones to ask. He spotted some intelligent looking kids. He rubbed his hands in excitement. He has to point at one, and it asks a question about the lands of the Union. His mission 6 can begin: Answer 'em too.

"You there, on the left… No! Not you! The other left!"

"Is Denmark built of legos?"

"No, but it looks like it. You on his right…"

"Is it true, that in Finland everybody is a phone repairman, or are there joiners, too?""Yes, there are joiners, that build the Nokia saunas. You there…"

"Well, is it true, that the capital of Greece is called 'Last Minute'?"

"No. Athen. But they think about changing it… Next, you there…"

"Why did Hungary join the Union that late?"

"Because they didn't find Europe on the maps… Next…"

"Does Luxemburg exist?"

"Yes, but you have to be careful not to crush it…"

Some moments later, the kids were kicking him everywhere possible, saying they came of Europe. (Well, they just wanted to hear what the people of USA are thinking about the Union).

He got the money and went home with the cash, his bag, his book of the European Union, his bruised legs and his bitten arms. Collapsing on the bed, he thought of the chances to find a suitable job.

_Morning_

"You again?"

"Yeah!"

"How did it go?"

He showed her his injuries.

"OMG! Where did it happen?"

"At that little meeting with the kids. They said I'm a racist or something like that… I want a job."

"What? I think you have enough money for one year."

"I want a job."

"(sighs) What about secretary?"

"NO! I hate phones, computers and people… So,…no."

"Do you really?"

"Yes."

"I think I have an idea…"

**That's it for now. You can guess what job she is thinking about. Review your guess. The last chapter will be short but the answer will be there.**

avpke


	6. Chapter 6

**Hy everybody!!**** Last chapter!! Sorry for the delay guys, but I thought if I wait a little longer, more reviews will arrive. Well, it didn't work...**

**Kuragari1024: Here you have it!!**

**Voodooqueen: Thanks for your reviews!!**

**Disclaimer: (see previous chapter)**

**Chapter 6**

Kwei stood outside on the street. It's raining. His blue clothes are soaked. The only thing that protects his head is the blue/black hat. Next to him stood a human with the same clothes. His name is Robert.

SILENCE

Then…

"I hate my job…"- said Robert.

"Well, I don't."

"Don't I know you from somewhere?"

"Yeah. I asked you: What are that numbers?"

"… I see they got you this hell-hole job."

"It isn't."

"Yes, it is!"

"No, it's not! It's 1000times better than being a credit offerer, an insurance agent, an Australia or European Union expert."

"(stares)…"

"What?"

"(stares even more)…"

"What?!"

"And you were all this?"

"Yeah!"

"Why did you quit?"

"Because I hate phones, computers, people and stupid questions!"

"I know what you are talking about…"

"Really?"

"No. Please explain me something. First, stop staring at me with those stupid eyes… Thank you… Next: How in the world did you do that?!"

"Don't shout! I can hear you. What did I do?"

"That! Where did you learn so quickly? I mean for such works you need to study for years!!"

"I SAID DON'T SHOUT! Anyway… My kind learns fast."

"It's not enough. You needed some prestudying. Or not? Who taught you at your kind?"

"Well, I learned how to fight at school. I learned how to hunt from my father, but the most things I learned from my mother."

"What?"

"Well,… for example… to honour others work…

**

* * *

**

"If you really want to kill each other with your brother, then go out! I've just swept the floor!"

"…religion…"

**"Pray, that this mess comes out of your cloth!"**--

"…logic…"

**"Because I said so!"**--

"…the basics of time-traveling…"

**"I'll strike you so hard, you'll wake up the next week!"**--

"…acrobatic stunts…"

**"Look at the back of your neck, it's so dirty!"**--

"…patience and persistence…"

**"You'll sit here as long as you don't eat your dinner!"**--

"…the basics of meteorology…"

**"Your room looks like a tornado just went through it!"**--

"…and the life's eternal circuit…"

**"I brought you to the world and I can just as much destroy you out of it!"**--

* * *

"You really learned a lot. But why DID you quit? These jobs paid more than this shit."

"Well, I like this _shit_. Here are no phones, no computers, you don't have to like people and do so like you do… and you just shoot and then they can't ask."

"But we have serious problems, like terrorism, stealing, drug and street fighting… And drunks… And immigrants…"

"But it's interesting."

"Whatever…"

LONG SILENCE

"What's terrorism?"

**THE END**

**Hey guys! As I said it's short. It was the last chapter. Well, if you liked the story that much then...:If I get 6 PMs to write a sequel, I'll do it... Until then:Bye!! Oh, and before I forget: Anonymus reviews are from now on: welcome!!**

avpke


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